Emptiness

Today it struck again. The empty feeling. It always feels like there is a big empty hole inside of me, and that nothing can fill it. It always passes after a few hours, but during those hours, I feel like a hollow empty shell of a person. I don't know what causes it, I just know that when it happens, I have trouble finding joy in anything. Even things that would normally make me happy.

The worst time it happened that I remember recently was after I finished the third book of the Infernal Devices series. I now realize that maybe those feeling of intense sadness not only had to do with being upset, that the series was over, but also me coming back into reality.

It could have even been the happy ending that put me in that mood. I often feel like that after finishing TV series, especially romances. It's probably because I wish so so badly that I could have a relationship like that. I want some one to find me beautiful, to sweep me off my feet, and love me like the couples in those stories. Why can't I have that? I probably never will even get close to having that. But I want it so fucking bad that it physically hurts. It wrenches my heart everytime I think about it.

Back to the feeling empty thing though. I guess that it could also be attributed to my lack of self confidence. I often never feel like what I do is good enough. I could've done better on that test, I could've written that better, I could have given better advice. It's never good enough. And then I purposefully say these things to the people I love, hoping they'll give me a compliment. Please god, just give me a compliment about those things. Raise my self confidence out of the ungodly pits of hell. I want it. I NEED it. To make this empty hole within me whole again.